Journal Entry

Lies

2009-11-21T00:31:00.000-08:00

We all live a sad complicated life.
When we were young, everything was simple.
I like you, you like me, lets be friends.
Friendship was liking the same things, playing
together everyday, going to the same school.
It was a rare thing to have backstabbing or bitching
or pretending you like that friend although you secretly
don't give a fuck.You could do the silliest thing on earth,
and no one could say mean stuff about you because afterall,
you are just a young child.

Then as we move on to the age where we notice the
opposite sex and is able to think in a more rational,
mature way, thats when everything started.
People could put on a facade, could say the most venemous
things about you-behind your back.It takes a sinfully long
time, and many repeated mistakes, to know who will leave
you, and who will stand by you till the end of time.You never
know, whether in your group of friends you're the black sheep,
or among everyone they think you cant fit in.This is the age
when you know what stress and true friendship is.

I dont know if im getting by on acquaintances and good friends
who arent that good afterall.

I think i just need to go on a hiatus to organise my head.

2009-11-16T04:18:00.000-08:00

I dont like blogging anymore because whatever i blog, you like to make replies in your blog, which pisses me off even more that I get an even more splitting headache. You're probably gonna make another post in your blog after this to spite me and say stuff like " im sorry im the cause of your splitting headache".

I dont like blogging anymore because i cant express anything anymore.

I need a diary now.

2009-10-30T10:38:00.000-07:00

People don't understand. When I was younger, I used to marvel and feel so blessed over the fact that I knew and had countless friends. But when I fast forward to the present, everything slowly dissipates to just me spending minutes, hours trying to figure out why I've been reduced to this state. self-pity. I've got so much things tumbling all over in my head, but they never come out nicely in a structured organised way. I dont understand why when I manage to let out a few thoughts and just talk about it, everyone just assumes and carelessly, hurtfully comment that I think too much. Arent people given the freedom, the right to think whatever they want and feel whatever they are feeling? I've been feeling smothered for so long, that even this feeling has numbed me, i dont even know why I feel this way. Thinking to me, is like breathing, just that well, maybe i breathe more than others. So when friends tell me like as if im doing something unorthodox, i feel frustrated. People don't understand. They can comfort you all they can, consoling that they know what you're going through, but what is it that you understand? What do you even know?

Never in my 16 years I've come across anyone.Anyone who could know without asking how I was feeling or exactly what I was feeling at that certain moment.

The meaning of time

2009-10-14T06:08:00.000-07:00

To understand the meaning of one year,

ask a student who failed his exam

To understand the meaning of one month,

ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby

To understand the meaning of one week,
ask the editor of weekly magazine

To understand the meaning of one day,
ask a daily wage labour

To understand the meaning of one hour,
ask a girl who is waiting for her boyfriend

To understand the meaning of one minute,
ask a person who has missed the train

To understand the meaning of one second,
ask a person who survived the accident

To understand the meaning of one milli-second,
ask a sprinter who won a silver medal in the olympics

You Thought This Was Just A Site.

2009-10-12T10:22:00.000-07:00

This is my vessel of raw true thoughts.
This is my consolation.
This is my confidante.
This is my memory.
This is my friend.
This is my reminder.
This is my life-lesson.
This is my anecdotes.
This is a part of me.
These words are heavy with meaning.

You never knew that whatever's on my mind could always be read between the lines,
could be found here.

My Favourite Part of Little Prince

2009-10-12T02:12:00.000-07:00

From The Book, 'The Little Prince'.

Ah, little prince! So it was, gradually, that I came to understand your melncholy little life! For a long time your only pleasure had been to watch the gently setting sun. I learned this new detail on the morning of the fourth day, when you said to me:

"I am very fond of sunsets. Let's go this moment and look at a sunset."
"But we shall have to wait. . ."
"Wait for what?"
"Wait until it's time for the sun to set."

At first you seemed very taken aback. Then you laughed at yourself and said:
"I still keep thinking I'm at home!"
Just so. For as everyone knows, when it is noon in the United States the sun is setting over France. If you could get to France in a twinkling, you could watch a sunset right now. Unfortunately France is rather too far away. But on your tiny planet, little prince, you had only to move your chair a few steps. You could watch night fall whenever you liked.

"One day," you said, " I watched the sunset forty-three times!"
And a little later you added:
"You know, when one is that sad, one can get to love the sunset."

"Were you that sad, then, on the day of the forty-three sunsets?"
But the prince made no answer.

Shards

2009-10-01T01:54:00.000-07:00

Im not the only one you love,
Im not the only one you miss,
Im not the only one you want,
Im not the only one you want to hold,
Im not the only one in your mind,
Im not the only one you care for,
Im not the only one anymore.

Facade

2009-09-30T09:57:00.000-07:00

Smile to make others worry less.
Smile to bring joy to others.
Smile because people will like you more.
Smile because you cant cry.
Smile.

We dont need masks, we all just need a convincing smile.

:)

Clear

2009-09-26T12:00:00.000-07:00

Tonight I see the true you,the troubled you, the bitter you, the masked you, the pitiful you, the sorrowful you, the confused you, the unappreciated you, the defensive you, the two-faced you, the deceiving you. With all my sympathy,anger and disappointment i pour this out, because now I finally understand , even through your misty defensive unclear stand, I can still see.

I doubt you can turn over to a new page yet.Have a fine time trying to clear up the mess you've made of your own tales-infested life.

Crawl

2009-09-17T08:44:00.000-07:00

Do you walk around aimlessly, just to waste time?
Do you think lessons are a bore and the teachers suck?
Do you wish you could just play all day?

Thats because you dont have a purpose in life.

Some people claim they take years trying to find it,
you arent suppose to search for it,
you are suppose to create a purpose.

Have you thought about the amount of time you wasted
playing computer games and just wishing time to pass?

Grasp your hand

2009-09-11T08:19:00.000-07:00

When Im sad I want you near, i want you close that theres no space between us.
When I think of you, I cant help my heart from melting, from wanting to draw you in even closer.
I wish that you'd be by my side, forever and ever, I could die happy like this.
You're my everything,deedee.
I love you!

Drag

2009-09-09T10:20:00.000-07:00

i want to withdraw into myself.
i want to breathe inside.
i want to hide inside.
i want to get lost inside.
i want to never find a way back out.
i dont know why i speak like this anymore.

Notes

2009-09-06T12:39:00.000-07:00

Im so different from what I was last time.
Im so different, sometimes I wonder what did I go through to be like this.
I've changed.

Distance

2009-09-06T11:48:00.000-07:00

I take a deep breathe.
I try to find some reason, all the thousands,millions of reasons in my head.
I try to figure my mind out, all the thousands,millions of things going through inside.
I wish everything was as structured and organised as it was like how libraries are,
how squares are, how tiles on my kitchen floor are.
I dont understand myself.

Dedication

2009-08-31T10:16:00.000-07:00

In your drowning self-pity you created a monstrosity.
You enveloped your entire-being with cloudy gloom, trying to shield yourself helplessly.
You want arms, arms that wound around you tightly,to share a little warmth, to stay a little while, to hold you and your excruciating unbearable pain.

You just wanted him to love you back because you thought no one else would.
Take off that mask and let your real self show, you'll breathe easier.

Why

2009-08-29T13:02:00.001-07:00

Most of the time I come here almost in tears, choked with anger and hurt, suffocated with sorrow and ache.I tell myself things are like this because Im just having a bad time of my life,because thats just how it is supposed to be. But its difficult, its so hard trying to pretend I dont care, because I am so fucking affected by it, how what the fuck I did, could cause me to make enemies within a few days just because of a small tiff. How I end up apologising, trying to reconcile, to clarify and start anew, but I end up being the worst 24 hours of people's life.
Whats so wrong with me?

Die Alone

2009-08-26T08:56:00.000-07:00

Know what it's like when you feel you're the cause for everything?
When you suddenly feel its better to go back to the start, or rewind to where it was safest, then maybe you can start over, pretending you never went beyond that path. How everything seemed a little morbid and ominous, being the lone figure standing alone in a vast empty ground, no one to run to. You've got someone, but then again it wouldnt be nice to weigh your confidante down with your own problems, so eventually you feel like you're carrying the weight of the world, and you feel this draining hopeless dreading hollowness inside.
When you try to take the blame, and leave your pride aside all for the name of friendship, yet you dont get what you want, and everything is in vain.Its so disappointing, they never see the sincerity, while at the same time they are probably sharing hurtful and demeaning critics.Why is the world like this? Why are people like this? Why can't we all clarify, compromise, understand and finally be a part and not apart?

Sometimes life is so confusing, and disappointing. Disappointing to know that its unfair.

Fallen

2009-08-23T13:14:00.000-07:00

I comfort myself with my own misery and tell myself Im the cause of it.
Stick to me, dont let go.

Poise

2009-08-19T07:13:00.000-07:00

Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music - Angela Monet

Dear D,

Are you alright now? Im sorry I made you feel that way, I wasnt talking about anything else, its probably just meaningless acquaintancing, you know that I have eyes for only you right? Dont feel so sad now, I promise you I wont stray and you're the only one I care for,D. Please cheer up, and I hope you do well for tomorrow's last paper alright? I love you, D! Please smile for me, ok? (hugs)

Love,

Christine

Appreciation & Understanding

2009-08-18T10:02:00.000-07:00

When I hear you talk, I usually think you're just mumbling all this nonsensical beliefs you so strongly follow. But today, i realise, everyone has their own beliefs, their own mindset, and that maybe we should all be more appreciative, to see things from your perspective.Sometimes your philosophical mind speaks of things that we all find bizarre, something that is unorthodox, and we laugh at you, we discriminate you as a senile old man. This made me think today. How would I have felt if i were you trying to share my passion for being understood, my own beliefs which other people may find perhaps even more weird, share about what makes me keep calm, about the things I try to do, and yet, no one would try to see it from my side and just laugh at me, labelling me as somewhat crazy?
I dont understand why you dont sew eyes for your stuffed toys, i dont understand why you even make them (because i was sleeping while you were explaining),and this makes me curious. What have you gone through in your life, to do all these things and be so confident about it?

2009-08-16T10:57:00.000-07:00

When we all die a little inside, we flash the brightest smile to blind out the sadness inside.
When will i stop living with dread and start living with genuine happiness?
What is being happy anyway

Whats in your mind?

2009-08-13T10:42:00.000-07:00

you :>

No shoulder to cry on

2009-08-12T08:06:00.000-07:00

Today was engulfed with ominous clouds, with gloom in the air.
I waited and waited for your reply, got so disappointed when
my phone vibrated and it wasn't you.

Re-editted.

Its all good :) Just me being paranoid. Silly christine hahaha!
I Seriously need to study productively and properly damnit!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To someone who likes to whack/ciung/sweet chin music/pew

2009-08-11T07:18:00.000-07:00

I like how letting the cats out of the bag make me falter for you more.
I know this is so wrong, but it feels so right at the same time,crazy isnt it?
I dont know if this is love, but I do know when I think of you,
my heart cant help but to beat so fast.

This is all so crazy, but everything makes sense when the reason is you.
Although I walk around as though I'm carrying the weight of the world nowadays,
when I think of you, I still smile. It may be a sad smile, but i still smile,
because even if its something I should be crying over, I want to smile for you.
I know I sound like I'm good with words, but this isnt good enough to
describe, to explain just how immensely,how irrevocably I feel for you.

Be strong for me, I'll be strong for you.
I hope this made you smile at least once today, again.

Blame

2009-08-10T03:03:00.000-07:00

Its time that fails me the most.

I hate time,time always prevents me from doing things I want to do the most, it is because of time i have to do what is important first and put "me-time" aside.Time makes me feel even more alone then i already am now.It doesnt let me travel to fort canning park to take a long walk, doesnt let me read a book while listening to music by the swimming pool, doesnt let me just lie down on my bed,staring at the ceiling for hours on end. But what i hate most about Time, is that it never waits. It doesnt stop, it goes on like as though its as busy as hell, when everyone else is so much more busy. Whats more, there is "a right time" and "a wrong time" to do things.
On rare occasions, it gives you a short break to recuperate but it still goes on. They say time heals all wounds,thats the only good thing, but time fail at this too because for once it takes such a long time for you be okay. Sometimes it is because of Time you lose your fucking chances. Speaking of chances, they suck too. They like to fuck around with your mind, give you dilemmas, and when you finally make a decision, suddenly they are gone.
Why is it that everything never waits?
Why.

Why must everything be this way

Remembering Sunday - All Time Low

2009-08-08T22:17:00.000-07:00

Everyday I used to wake up with a smile on my face,
I used to pick up my phone & see a text from you,
I used to smile even wider after that.
On the way to school, I used to just read your texts all over again,
and i'd smile.It used to be enough to make my day.
Every hour every minute every second, i used to feel so thrilled
because you invaded my mind.
Every weekend I used to be so hyped because i would get to see you,
I used to smile the moment I set my eyes on you,
I used to be in cloud nine when you were next to me.

Now I wake up with the image of you in my head,
I pick up my phone & be disheartened to see nothing from you.
I try to find the most meaningless comfort to be cheerful,
Now I just try to remember the things you used to tell me,
and be satisfied with all these memories.
Now every weekend, is like any other mundane day,
there is no you to look forward to.
Now I make an effort to not breakdown when I think of you,
I cannot make a scene out of myself.
Now all I do is imagine you were here,
or watch your videos over and over again.
Now all I do is listen to sad songs.

Wishes

2009-08-08T10:32:00.000-07:00

I am alright. I am all smiles, im sunshine. I dont feel the ominous clouds, i dont feel the thunder.I dont feel the stab whenever i breathe in, i dont go weak in the knees when I think of you,i dont feel lonely again. Because all I'll ever know for now is how to use the biggest ice-cube and numb my whole being, that even if my worst enemy stabs me, i would smile serenely, give her a hug for trying to help me feel, and apologise aimlessly.

I dont feel, but i do know certain things for sure.

First thing first, I know i would never hug my enemy.Honestly I know i would just punch her face or take the same knife she stabbed me, and cut her apart. I know this makes me feel angry suddenly, but i choose to deceive. I dont feel anything at all. I know I will never forget , I know I dont want to forget, I know i dont just feel the stab, I know I feel needles poking,I know i feel my heart relentlessly aching when I breathe.I know all these, but I choose to deceive.I know i wished we were in a better situation, I know I miss you so bad,I know I want to hear your voice again.

Im back in to the days where I just yearned.
And yearned.

2009-08-06T09:46:00.000-07:00

Divya the munchkin w retainers HAHAHAHAHA

2009-08-04T09:08:00.000-07:00

So apparently i was suppose to be doing my god-damn literature essays(2 of them,only 1 half done),and i started talking to my little munchkin friend about her decision cube.I told her to help me roll the dice to see what i should do & here it is....

divya says:
*its says "sulk"
*ahhahaha
Christine says:
*SHUTUP LA
*I AM ALREADY SULKING
*DO ANOTHER ONE
divya says:
*EAT
Christine says:
*DO ANOTHER ONE
divya says:
*BED
Christine says:
*DO ANOTHER ONE
divya says:
*EAT AGAIN
Christine says:
*FUCK WHERE U GET THE CUBE I WANT
divya says:
*FACE IT LA, YOU'RE A PIG

Divya: IM NOT A PIG YOU BITCH IM GOING TO CHOKESLAM YOU TOMORROW!!!!!BRING THE CUBE IM GOING TO DESTROY IT.
But on the other hand, this cube is kinda cool, its telling me to go to bed,which i should be doing soon :) IF IT WASNT FOR MY DUMBASS ESSAYS _|_ buhbye x.

Wishful thinking

2009-08-03T09:30:00.000-07:00

I want to be the one you search for first to share good/bad news.
I want to be the one you embrace when you are in high spirits.
I want to be the one you want to be with 24/7 just to waste away our time.
I want to be the one you keep thinking of endlessly.
I want to be everything to you,that when Im not around,you feel lost.

:D

2009-08-02T11:52:00.000-07:00

WHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTT TTTTTTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOOO DDDDDDDDDDDDDDOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH
YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY OMG OMG OMG :D

What was i thinking

2009-08-02T10:26:00.000-07:00

Im undergoing all these deranged delusional psychotic motions and thoughts.
Why the fuck did i get myself into something i can never gain anything from

yeah we dont, right?

2009-08-02T05:42:00.000-07:00

Why did the tomato blush?
Because the tomato saw the salad dressing!!
HAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA

sigh.

This is when people realise,how sweet memories are,like marshmellows and vanilla icing on cakes, when they finally realise they can only be memories and nothing more.Like how its not right to be something more because there's a limit.And im barred by it.

This is when I cant take it,but i cant say anything either.Because I dont trust anyone.I used to though,in fact i still do trust someone.But I cant depend on you anymore.I cant come to you in my hurt and depressed state,in need of comfort because we cant do this anymore.Maybe sometimes, but not all the time.We cant.I cant.You have your own commitments,i must not lead astray.

I wanna express something,but i am afraid to.Of what,you might ask,of that stab-to-your-heart feeling when the reaction is negative?Of that awkward turtle feeling?Of how everything will suddenly change?Of how even if things were positive, i would be worrying about the future already? Yeah, everything...I know i think too much.

Foolish me. Now what am i left with?
Sigh.

Watch where you're stepping

2009-08-01T22:43:00.000-07:00

I must stop myself

You're all I need

2009-07-30T11:33:00.000-07:00

My clueless heart,
where were you when you found your place,
where were you when i needed solace and companion,
where were you when i needed a warm embrace of assurance,
where were you when you told me you'll be here.

My rebellious heart,
why do you always follow the wrong path,
why do you always lead me to misery,
why do you make me turn beetroot,
why do you like to see me faltering for something that cant be mine.

My failing heart,
how can you betray me like this,
how can you let me resort to this,
how can you make me feel all this when i dont wish to,
how could you have not been able to stop me.

Gazing through the skyline

2009-07-30T10:15:00.000-07:00

Would it be spiteful of me to break something that is one back to two?

I want warm hugs forever

2009-07-26T11:49:00.000-07:00

When I try to decipher everything people say, I over-analyse.I think too much.I view this world, this society as a place where no one speaks of the truth.Every single detail has to be read between the lines, to the point sometimes it fails me,tricks me,disappoints me.On the other hand, sometimes things that are meant to be said with deep feelings are expressed so carelessly, so nonchalantly, that they either lose the whole meaning, or you misunderstand, hence you react with unwanted unrequited emotions. Oh no, oh no. I have been fooled by my own feelings again.

Frivolous

2009-07-14T08:35:00.001-07:00

GUESS WHAT, 19 MORE DAYS TO PRELIMS AND I HAVENT STARTED REVISING, GG.COM.SG!
Its time I think of going on a hiatus.... Sigh

These days, suddenly i just wish i had
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
someone to call my own <=\

Memories

2009-07-09T10:12:00.000-07:00

A soft tap and a turn, then we exchanged shy smiles, mumbling our greetings, awkwardly feeling pleased yet at the same time, i could feel my heart thumping wildly in my chest.Were you feeling the same too? You took me to where I lived, not to my doorstep, but close enough as we once again shared this awkward silence, should there be an embrace like i promised? or should i just wave my goodbye? My mind was in a whirl of thoughts, in the end it was all in vain because you swept me off my feet with your killer smile, leaving me dazed, trying to recall everything that happened.I tried to play hard to get, then I realised there is no point.Im playing a one man's game and there is no one to claim, so I decided to take a step up first, approaching as casual and normal as possible, deep down knowing that I wished for something more.

As days sauntered by, I swear my feelings for you were becoming stronger, were hard to be brashly be known as mere admiration.I knew better, but I still could not bring myself to let it out of my chest, for fear of the silent treatment awaits. I even tried to talk myself out of this crazy gamble called "Falling in Like",but what use was it now that I thought you were harbouring the same thoughts as I?

Alas, alas, never to trust your own thoughts, I tricked myself, losing my way out and in the process, causing severe heartache and misery to myself, wondering why did I do such a foolish thing, why did I even think I would ever succeed in this? Staggering back to my shell, I tore apart all the memories, the plans of what could have beens as I mended my heart back to how it was, only less fragile than before.If I ever see you in the streets, please smile that killer smile just once again,so I'll know that all this was never just a dream,but something I thought was more.

The end

Frenetic

2009-07-08T07:21:00.000-07:00

Paranoia.

How do you stop yourself from thinking of the worst case scenario of everything?Sometimes I feel like I let my thoughts get the better of me too often, to the point I stress myself out ,worrying that things will never turn out right, or someone is out to embarrass me,make me feel like dirt,or that they secretly bitch about me behind my back and act nice when I'm around. I think im too tensed, how do all those chilled out people ever just say, "chill la, can you just calm down and stop worrying?" and not even care a shit about how whatever the outcomes of their lives would be like? Its too complexed a thing for me, although ironically, chilling out has nothing to do with it.

Society, these days, is so hard to catch up with.
Is it just a phase that I'm going through as I get older? Or is it just me being so paranoid and looking at everything in such a confusing way?Society makes me feel as though I'm trying to be someone else, and on top of that, someone who will never fit in and be well-liked by others for who i am. Just what the hell is "being yourself" like when each and everyone of us honestly dont really know? If you like a certain something and some really popular kid likes it too, they say you have no originality.And in the end, you cant express your like for something, just because they have already been favoured by others.Dont get me wrong, I know people would just reply " dont give a shit about them la ", but how can you not, when practically everyone in society wants to be liked and accepted? I think ignorance is a reasonable advice, but i dont think it works forever either.

Today I must be feeling cynical and more paranoid than ever huh. Sigh.

Talisman

2009-06-13T05:47:00.000-07:00

I found out it's over

i'm a fallen soldier

lost in all the madness

trampled by the last kiss

woke up with the first tear

watching as the smoke cleared

leave me where you found me

the world falling around me

wave goodbye watch it die i'll pretend i knew it

honestly i believed in and out and through it

stood untill the last day waiting for the life change

if the fight is over forget what i just told you

thought that we could pull through

but i already lost you

leave me where you found me

the world falling around me..

Mango Bajitos

2009-06-09T10:42:00.001-07:00

I woke up hearing the fucking machine drilling the ground opposite my house,getting pissed and tensed because I realised I had overslept and missed yet another Chemistry make up lesson. It was 9.45am. I went to the sofa to sleep because the mothership said the maid needs to vacuum. I dont know how I got to the sofa, but i did. I continued sleeping till I woke up to the annoying telephone ringing its electronic ass off, which happened to be my mom who told me to open the door. And it was 1.30pm. I woke up to my mom reprimanding me for sleeping so much, i got pissed but I gave her a blank face. I washed up. Went to Serangoon CC to study with Divya & Saritha, attempted to solve maths problems but I couldnt figure some out so I gave up. Drew Divya and her Mango Bajitos, laughed at something really hilarious. Walked over to Serangoon Mac, and this time, tried to write some sensible crap for my Oral practice. Turned out Divya and I started playing Guess The Sketch. Her drawing of her Father was epic. So was the Monkey Bar. We laughed so much I swear my face turned red. Everything was good. I could have bumped into Gabriel at Macs, turns out he saw me I didnt see him. On the way home apparently Scott saw me, only I didnt either. This was how I spent my tuesday. The end. Pictures coming soon.

intoxicate

2009-06-08T09:05:00.000-07:00

I dont know why, but today I feel like typing out my gratitude to my friends.
Leave a comment if you want to be mentioned, but either way i appreciate all you guys!!!
So here goes...
First off,

Divya. Hey Mango Bajitos!
You're the first person I got to thank, and not for a few stuff, but basically for everything.From putting up with me being a cold shoulder bitch,being so grumpy and moody and angsty,enduring my nonsense and temper,to standing up for me and sticking with me throughout the hard times I had to go through.We were really close pals back in Sec 1 remember? Haha netball buddies,and then in sec 2 Praseedha came into the picture and we trio would always be the hooligans making the most noise during our training,fooling around.But those,I admit were one of the greatest, most enjoyable time of my life. Although during sec 2 we started to fall out, I knew during netball we were still like close pals, werent we? Besides the following year, we got closer again as friends and now, we're still sticking together through the end aite?Omg I also have to thank you for the muffins that you bought for me for my sweet 16( Although it wasnt really a sweet 16,hah)!! I hope we'll go to the same JC or Poly and continue our longliving friendship! Love you Bajitos^^ (virtual hugs)

Peisi. Hello Pipi!!!
My sweet little sexy crazy galpal! Thank you for being my bestest friend for 2 and a half years! Although I cant say we are still the bestest friends since we dont hang often anymore, Im happy and proud to say we've been friends for 3 years and counting! How great is that,aite? Although at times you were irritating, I think i've been 10 times more of a pest to you so, thank you for having patience :) Im glad that although we've gone through much shit, sometimes bickering over small stuff and not talking,we still manage to talk things out and still are close.It would definitely have been better if we were still the trio hanging out together all the time, but i guess this is fate.So we cant change anything :/ I really really want to thank you, and I'll seriously miss you when we graduate, because I wouldnt be able to turn to grin like an idiot at you, i wouldnt be able to squeeze your skinny cold fingers,i wouldnt see that sweet pretty face in my class anymore :( So right now i really hope we'll still keep in touch, and meet up often ^^ I love you Pipi!!!!( virtual hugs )

Praseedha. Yo Gangsta'!
Heyheyheyyyyy, Prabra, my laughing partner during netball, always laughing your ass out because I talk too much crap, and complimenting me like an old granny, smiling like one somemore, lastly,not to forget, the smart polite studious girl who sat next to me for a period of time in sec 1. Haha!I used to find you irritating because you seemed like a geek, but dude, i love you for that now, you're perfect the way you are^^ I swear although I joke around like this, I will really miss you because I wouldnt have that intelligent bright gangsta sitting behind me in class,I wouldnt be able to have netball trainings with my GK partner anymore :( Haha omg, remember once, during sec 2 when i kept commenting over the top jokes about you in friendster? Then we had a quarrel and a cold war. Fun times, at least we still talk now HAHAHA!I hope you'll get into a great JC and make more new friends ,but we'll forever keep in touch. I love you Prabra!!!!! ( Virtual hugs )

Liying. Flowerball( I got that from your vid heh)

Gosh where to start. I remember when I was in sec 1, you and jan sat next to me in your class row during assemblies, and how Miss Aw always caught you two for your skirts.Then I remember us getting acquainted, asking me if Im korean and making small talk. Then in sec 2, for a point of time I started hanging out with you and some of your classmates haha because of..yknow who but yeah..shhhh!! You were always the loud and outgoing friendly girl, who was just rebellious sometimes. Haha when it came to sec 3, we guys started hanging out as a clique, remember? Everything was seriously so kept together and perfect...Then stuff happened.So I lost my trust and stuff, however i realised I dont have any grudges against you, its just I didnt want you to get influenced till you cant come back to the right path and I was angry that you didnt understand.In the end, everything is all cool now so we're alright arent we? ^^ I just wanted to say that although we're just mutual friends now, Im grateful for the happy memories we all shared and I hope we'll remain on a friendly basis! Thank you for being my friend, Liying! (Virtual Hugs)

Jan. You're the leopard stick right? Hahaha!
Basically the same as Liying, always very sweet and friendly, how we were all so thrilled and awed when you would be defiant to Miss Aw,talking back and stuff haha. Im sorry that our friendship went astray because of some unfateful event,you deciding to side the other person..However, im sure we're alright now right? I realised I was being immature for vehemently hating you liying and shuyi ,besides that would only make me more stressed and angered, and for no apparent reason!So yeah, I hope that even after we graduate, we'll still be able to bump into each other on the streets and still be able to smile back to each other and ask one another about our wellbeing. Also, thank you for the happy funny moments, the time during Halloween , for the joy you brought to my life , although it wasnt for a long period of time, I'll remember and be thankful to know someone like you ^^ (Virtual hug)

Sylvia.CUTIEPIE^^V
Although We had a small quarrel last year, im really glad you were the mature one and understood me and we both clarified things. If you hadnt, i think my life would be extremely boring because I wouldnt have someone as bubbly and chirpy as you! PLEASE COME TO SCHOOL OFTEN FROM NOW ON!!!!So at least I can see you more often and you should start fattening up, you're getting skinnier and skinnier and its not good :( Thank you for being a reliable friend and for listening to my problems too. Haha and one day you should come to my house to study again and video call jepthah!!!!HAHAHAH k sorry jepthah. I hope we'll keep in contact and lets go out more often please hunnybun! (virtual hugs)

Surprise surprise, to Shuyi.

Actually I think I should thank you the most, going through so much stuff together and ending our friendship in a bad way, I still learnt alot, from you, from the incident, from the people around us. Whenever I think back about the times when we would always stick together, going out together, Me going over to your house and playing dress up, remember the time when you had a new webcam and we made stupid videos of us singing? Those sure were good times, how you'd tell me about your love problems, and i'd tell you mine.And two years back, when we were both nursing our broken hearts, im just sorry that I couldnt have comforted and consoled you in a better way, myself going through the same thing. But now that you have finally gotten a steady boyfriend, and we arent really considered bestfriends or even friends anymore, I hope you are truthfully happy with who you have in your life right now. Im thankful for all those happy times we shared ,along with peisi, we were like the three musketeers, never apart and always sticking with each other.Haha during our sec 3 camp, remember you and peisi were superstitious and did all those messy slipper arrangement and knocking the door,and we trio got so scared that we bathed together. Really gay but yeah and you fell from the bathtub and we kept laughing!We even shared the bed together as bestfriends with peisi..We were such bestfriends, whatever happened? Sometimes I feel like crying when I think about how things arent gonna be like that anymore, but this is life, friends come and go. I really want to thank you for making the 3 years of my secondary school life a really memoirable one, and sorry things wont be the same anymore. All the more, I just hope to God you will make the right decisions and make the right choices, dont let your parents down anymore shuyi....Alright? <=] Stay happy and dont do things you'll regret anymore! (virtual hug)

To my new friend, Khairi Minogue/Khairipuff/Khaiya/Khairi!

Hahaha since you are staying up till now and you're a new interesting friend,

heres one for you. Thank you for being the cheerful boy who listened to me yakking online,

and also lets be friends for as long as we can!!!! ^^ And yes, one day we'll meet up soon, with shane and the rest :D (virtual hug)

The end!

Brokenheart

2009-06-05T08:24:00.001-07:00

I want to drown myself ,engross myself into something so much so that i'll never remember.
I'll forget the pain, i'll forget that shot through my heart.Then slowly but surely, i'll never remember you, i wouldnt know how you ever came into my life.And then left after stabbing me....

Today is the kind of day when I wish i could keep running back and forth from my old house to serangoon till I exhaust myself out.

Promoting for a friend,for the clubbers

2009-05-31T10:00:00.000-07:00

7TH JUNE 09VAUNT IV@ST JAMES8pm till lateMIXAGE
In conjunction with The German Embassy and the Goethe Institute Celebrating The Kings Of Freedom Project in Singapore Youth Empire and Modellink together presents...
VAUNT IV: The Arrival of The Kings
FOR TICKETS RESERVATIONS AND/ORINTERESTED TICKET DISTRIBUTORS.CONTACT:KAIOLIVER.KOH@LIVE.COMHP:97867396
THANKS LOTSA

7TH JUNE 09VAUNT IV@ST JAMES8pm till lateMIXAGE
Announcing the Arrival of the Kings!In conjunction with The German Embassy and the Goethe InstituteCelebrating The Kings Of Freedom Project in Singapore The Youth Empire and Modellink together presents...
VAUNT IV: The Arrival of The KingsWill Burn up the Runway track and Paint our fine city Red Black and Gold For one night and one night alone,St James Powerstation will open her irongates of St James Powerhouse, The Gallery and Bar None to the attendees of VAUNT IV: The Arrival of The Kings! And for that night, we welcome you to party hard industrial style alongside with us. VAUNT IV also celebrates the 4th Anniversary of The Youth Empire So come witness one of the most highly celebrated and respected Fashion Runway Parades in Singapore this 7th June 2009! Bear Witness to the works of 8 Young Talented Fashion Designers as they Dress 16 of Singapore's hottest and most delightfully delectable models! Catch 16 of them marching down the Runway in their New York Street style glamour combined with Andy Warhol Pop Art and Edie Sedgwick, High Fashioninspired wear! So once again... VAUNT IV: The Arrival of The Kings7th June@ St. James Powerhouse, The Gallery, and Bar NoneWatch Fashion History in the making! More details coming your way... Another highly anticipated event organized by The Youth Empire and Modellink!
FOR TICKETS RESERVATIONS AND/ORINTERESTED TICKET DISTRIBUTORS.CONTACT:SOLO!iamkingsolo@hotmail.comOR97784910 !

Cuntface

2009-05-30T08:59:00.000-07:00

Today would have been a more productive day if i had not wasted it again as usual, sleeping and bumming around just because i couldnt bring myself to practise my chinese. But all this was brought on by me, cant do much now ,time has gone.

I am really peeved and pissed about the fact that some people can be a bitch, and be so ironic at the same time, insulting singaporeans when she herself is a singaporean. And its so annoying how she talks as if shes some miss popularity living in australia, talking as if she is yearning for some credit for being such a person. So attention seeking and loser-rated. If she aint happy about the way I comment or "put her brother down" which i dont at all, then she can just tell me nicely. Seriously why go through all the pains of insulting me and my friends and making smartass comments? Whats more, her stupid friend and her thinks Im making smart ass comments when they are doing the same. Seriously so ironic and hypocritical.Her friend is a total extra, so what if he is some childhood friend of hers, like i give a fuck. Nevermind, dont wanna talk about fucked up snotty bitches and extra losers who dont know shit. Douchebags__

Besides the whole online fiasco, it was my mother's 48th birthday, went with my dad to get her a cake, and for the first time, my brother and i made birthday cards for her. Kinda felt awkward making cards because im kinda bad at birthday stuffs...So Anyway, my dads gonna go back to china tomorrow to work for 3 months before coming back to visit us in S'pore, its gonna be sad.But i need to buck up and start mugging my ass to make him proud :> Right, thats all for now i think i crap too much about boring stuff. Toodles

breathe ice

2009-05-28T10:31:00.000-07:00

Sitting in the darkest corner,typing to make me sleep. Its been quite some time since I've last stayed up till 2am/+. Feeling kinda tired, but at the same time Im too mesmerized and intrigued by my window.Call me silly, but if you ask me what was my favourite part of my new room, its definitely the window. Perhaps its because for the past year I was living in some dim-litted room where the sun rays could never reach in, seriously, not trying to be artsy fartsy. Although i like large dim rooms, i think i have a liking for cozy large window rooms. I can see whatever's going on outside, the myriad of flash colours downstairs at the nearby hawker centre,the cars passing by,everything seems peaceful and perfect...

School was the most mundane shit ever, and it felt like i was being tortured.Being the kind that loves to sleep and also not a morning person, i was really cranky and annoyed during my chinese class because the weather was "strangling me","my eyes hurt i need to rest them","chinese is like a noose around my neck".But having an easygoing teacher/tutor, she allowed the 3 of us to go wherever we like to complete our practice paper.And after recess, we continued our lesson in the library, how cool is that? But it sucked that i couldnt sleep.(grumpy face) But since i have the time now, i shall go sleep. Shit i have chinese intensive again!!K goodbai x

Humane

2009-05-27T09:44:00.000-07:00

I cant stand the silence, I dont understand you.

I try to reach out, but all i grasp is air.

I wait for you to reply, for eternity.

Why are you so difficult?
Why do you hide yourself away?

Let Go

2009-05-23T07:17:00.000-07:00

Living by the moment these days, i dont regret the past, i dont think too much of the future like before, i just think,live,breathe, by the moment. Its good to feel slightly carefree. Suddenly everything seems brighter, how even the slightest things make me smile. I finally feel positive after such a long time.

Moving to the nu haus on tuesday, just finished packing most of my stuff, currently having a backache and a splitting headache, but i feel accomplished.Saturday has gone by so fast!Oh wait, it's still 11.40 now. Pfft. But anyway, i've done pretty much all the things i was supposed to do, so theres nothing to worry about. The place i'm moving to is pretty cool, the swimming pool looks inviting and theres even that jacuzzi like thing in it,whats there not to like?Also a good place to relax and read a book kinda thing. Looking forward to tuesday!

Anyway,Im thinking of chopping off my hair, although i love my curls, its high maintenance, and my hair's too long already.I dont really have time for making my hair look awesome, so i shall make things easy soon.Im gonna miss my curls, but it looks too out of shape and lanky now. Oh well.

Recently, I've started to develop a liking for classical music,especially chopin and yiruma. It sounds so peaceful and comforting, and it makes me sleep better. What the heck, i know im a sleepyhead, but come on, sleep is so comforting, you drift off to slumberland, you can dream dreams & wake up thinking over whatever you did in it. Isnt it just wonderful?!

I better hit the sack now, or go finish up packing everything so tomorrow I will be free.Toodles!

8-Y (python...psssst)

2009-04-27T10:15:00.001-07:00

fucking hell i need to study i need to study omg Midyear is next week monday & I have not started on anything, not even a single,minute,miniscule thing.I think im preparing to kill myself. Fuck o levels are coming nearer i m blabbering like a lunatic & yet I have not gathered my fucking motivation to fucking study. FUCK! I must also stop swearing. dSKLfgblzsiuekdb
sorry. I need to keep cool, i must breathe in breathe out & FUCKING MEMORISE ESSAYS, FORMULAS,TACKLE SUMS, UNDERSTAND FUCKING CHEMISTRY. my life is over. my life is over. oh mai icicles.

i think when im brave/courageous/strong/extremely fuckingly determined enough,
i will go on a hiatus.
& really go on one & study for 1..2..3..4..5..6? AIYAH UNTIL O LEVELS IS OVER.
my social life will go down the drain drastically but at least i have a cellphone.
anything, text me.
you can ask my friends i wont write my number here.
dont fucking cb prank call me i will break your fucking fingers & you wouldnt like seeing me pissed.
oh &i need to stop.sleeping.at.2am.every.fucking.damn.night.

goodnight fuck off

i need to burn my laptop and destroy it.

Eerie Comforting Mellow

2009-04-27T06:58:00.000-07:00

Hopefully one day I can bake them like that too :(

If I learn how to bake that is. Pfft.

Before you disappear, just give it time.

2009-04-26T07:41:00.000-07:00

I had no idea "Love,actually" is such a sweet romantic christmassy movie. Everything seem so fairytale-hollywood-ish, but it was really worth watching. Then it made me think, and think and think.Slowly i just started feeling sad & alone.Do things like that happen in real life? I doubt so.... I need to pull myself together.

And the worst thing is, now I dont have a roommate anymore either.

Take A Chance

2009-04-24T05:32:00.000-07:00

Chances dont stay and wait for you to accept or reject.

If they appear, you grab it and dont let it go.

You dont leave things half undone.

for you, a thousand times over

2009-04-21T09:48:00.000-07:00

for you, a thousand times over.

Today I feel like making a list of things I want to do after my 'O' levels.

1. Going to the beach to get a nice even tan.

2.Learn how to play touch rugby.

3.Sleep as much as I want for days.

4.Learn Sewing.

5.Get a cool job which pays well.

6.Start my own portfolio of designs & sketches.

7.Go to Shanghai (please make it happen) & HANG WITH LEI NUO SI!

8.Lose weight (Its always on the list so,yeah)

9.Make a freaking bank account,and save money.

10.Redecorate my room to the kind of style that I want it in.

11.Volunteer @ SPCA

12.Learn how to dance(hip-hop etc)

13.Get a make-over.Hair,style,whatevs.

14.Learn French!!!

15.Or Tamil( kidding, i know a few words already actually)

16.Go jogging in the morning at least 4 times a week.

17.Make loads more new friends.

18.Catch up with old primary school friends(reunion!)

19.Read as many books as I can.

20.Design my own clothes( possible!)

21. Stay out late

22.Go to another chalet with all my classmates for our one last gathering

23.Gain more knowledge on whats going on around the world.

24.Learn a new word everyday.

Thats all folks, for now.

Its 1.11am, imma hit the sack.

Shiver

2009-04-19T09:31:00.000-07:00

For once in my life, i have admitted i am afraid. I'm afraid, im scared of what the future holds for me,will I make it? Will everything be worth it? Will everything turn out right? ...

Times like this I wish I could give everything up and live my life as a school dropout, but I know i know better, I wouldnt want to let my parents down, my friends down, everyone down and most importantly, myself down.I know I wouldnt want to give the satisfaction to those who want to see me on the ground,to those who curse me.I want to prove to myself I can achieve something, but the constant pressure ; Expectations, Examinations, Targets, Lack of time, all of these wears me down.

A friend told me to listen to Coldplay to feel better,& it definitely is working,but simultaneously,"The Scientist" sounds so sad to me, it makes me feel like breaking down into tears more. Why do I always end up feeling so blue and lousy? Why can't I just feel the warmth of the sun, the feel-good vibes of a smile and enjoy everything?

Tell me how to get a grip of myself, tell me how to gain my momentum, tell me how to put on a brave front and take a step forward. Someone please be there for me, someone please tell me you know all of this and you can guide me. Please.

Eradicate,Bitch

2009-04-18T11:06:00.000-07:00

Only 4 months have passed & I am already fervently wishing it would end ASAP.Perhaps this is because Im too much of a perfectionist, I have countless regrets within a short period of time, I hate so vehemently, and I give up easily, but whatever 2009 had in store for me for the 4 months has worn me down.

I like new beginnings, it means you get another chance, you start afresh on a new chapter of life, you are armed with more knowledge of what to be cautious of due to previous mishaps.Yeah, its pretty easy to tell yourself," Alright, lets start all over again. This time I wont do this/that..etc" and go back to the start, but life isnt some computer game, where you can restart at your own will if you lose or use up your chances.Even if you wanted to, even if you wanted to start anew and come back with a total different self, nobody would really understand or support you because they'll think you're just trying to be someone you're not/trying too hard.But what do people know?

What do they know about you?Do they even know the real you?Isn't one of life's purpose to find one's true self?I dont even know the true me, I dont know if whatever Im saying now makes much sense to anyone out there,sometimes I dont even understand myself,why I am so rash/cold,I forget my reasons for it,I lose all my purpose in my actions and feelings,everything.I lose everything.

Piglets

2009-04-16T08:11:00.000-07:00

Recently, I started having this huge craze over piglets. I mean just look at them, they're tiny, they are pink and they look so adorable! When I grow up, Im gonna have a little pink piglet as my pet :> Along with a few dogs also, because I'm also a dog fanatic. So anyways, let me show you the reason why you should be gushing over piglets too...

Just look @ them!

The little piglet scratching its ear is sooooo adorable!

See what I mean? If you still don't , you're just a stupid. Piglets are the cutest thing on earth!Alright, imma hit the sack now, I've got CIP project to do early in the morn. Ugh goodnight peepz

Poppycock

2009-04-11T12:26:00.000-07:00

after not blogging for eons, i have decided to finally update because :
1. im feeling hyper
2. im bored
3. i dont feel sleepy so i shall think of something clever to say
4. i feel like jogging now but its scary & dark outside.
5. im talking to boboobrina tay whilst he is @ a gambling den(friends haus)

Friday was good, went to watch "Knowing" w ze Lost Boys,aka Jupiter,Boboobrina,Chihwahwa,PolarBear,Snorlax and....Alson(sry,couldnt think of any nickname).Apparently, i had the idea that ze Lost Gals ( sry im not in tt category im tomboy)would be coming along too, but alas, i was the only female. How sad.

On top of that, I was 1 hour early because of a CERTAIN snorlax,who initially informed me to meet by 12,whereas poor me only realised I was the earliest when jinhan replied via text message that we were supposed to meet by 1 instead.(All ze Lost Boys were informed whereas yours truly,wasnt)However, i dont hold grudges ( like the ju-on boy),so the moment Snorlax arrived, i was being chirpy.I have to say Knowing is a hell of a good movie although the ending's..awkward,and everyone should watch. I totally scared the shit out of Alson & Chihwahwaa few times because Yours Truly freaked out at a few parts for no apparent reason.Whats more, I met Tiffany Sarah, still looking as cute as ever^^,& my long time no see meet Vain Buddy Alvin Tan!!!!!!!!

So Friday was a pretty good day.

Today definitely pale in comparison w Friday,seeing how i had to rot @ home the whole day,either sleeping, playing tower bloxx on my cell, reading a book, thinking of clever things to do or procastinating. Some I did simultaneously, but basically if i summarize today,it was not productive at all. I was thinking of jogging my fat ass off, but seeing how im so lazy & my sports shoe's sole has worn out, i stayed @ home. PLUS, it was raining turtles and rabbits. Whatevs.

Worst thing( It was good in a way too ), I went out w my brother @ around 11.30pm at night for some late night MEEPOK. Today must be a good day cos I was craving for it. HEEHEE^^ So yeah, meepok, talk about his friend who has totally changed, his friday night outing,life,people,laugh...it was a brother sister bonding session ^^

So anyway yeah, thats about it im still high now & i know i've written nonsensical gibberish but this will do for nao. Sleep tight x

My Best Sincere Wishes

2009-04-04T05:07:00.000-07:00

to VANESSA LEE SHU FEN, happy sweet 16th birthday to you babe!

although you were feeling pressurized and stuff,

it really wasnt your fault & sorry if you felt left out k?

I know its not nice to feel that way on your birthday,

so hope you enjoy your chalet today

and may you achieve your future endeavours!

시발

2009-04-01T07:38:00.000-07:00

Have not been blogging for ages, pretty much because i dont have the time to, or more like im doing other nonsensical stuff ,procastinating instead of doing my assignments. Since I still feel like wasting my time, I shall blog about how my week went so far.

Sunday I was basically like a freakazoid, stressing myself out about the next day(monday),because i had to perform infront of the school during the assembly period.Fortunately, everything went well & I didnt laugh when I slapped Hacken & Ashraf. Great.However tuesday i think i sucked real bad because I laughed @ Hacken flinching before I even slapped, causing me to fumble with my lines.Managed to skip IRP on tuesday because I had to go to ACS barker for SYF rehearsal ^^ On the way to ACS, was talking to Wijitra & although everything was a past, I guess I still felt a little bitter & revengeful? Yeah.But felt better after talking to her about all those shit. Heehee so i somehow managed to get closer to Wiji!^^
Returned to school around 7.45pm? Mr tan ordered Pizza for us Drama students, went home immediately watched the tv when I was supposed to be, mugging.Slept @ 12,but still felt sleepy in school today.I totally forgot today was April fool's day!

I totally got pranked on, after chinese it was recess & Peisi offered me an Oreo cookie/biscuit so i took one, somehow i sensed something fishy cos' she seemed to be preventing herself from laughing? Only realised why she was stifling her laughter when I took a bite from the Oreo ; Oreo cookie/biscuit with toothpaste as the cream. Fuck, but it tasted okay to me. However Benhard wanted to eat it, so i pranked him, he placed the whole thing in his mouth, and then took it out and threw it at me, so sad :( Everything was fun today, it being April fools and shit.

Something Im looking forward to for this week :
Going for Vanessa's chalet!!!!!!
& possibly meeting up w Hyona(hyena) & Samuel buddy on friday,
but seeing how Mr tan says we will have another rehearsal,
i dont know how things are gonna go for friday.
Oh well, thats all imma do my homeworks now. Peace \\//

고마운 마음

2009-03-23T08:57:00.000-07:00

Life is tiring these days.

Then I went to church, & my day was brightened up by the fact that the close friend of mine who left for England actually gave me one last gift before leaving.Well I mean he left already to Malaysia @ first during the holidays with his family for a holiday,but the fact he actually thought of me made me realise he is a really thoughtful & sweet person.Come on, I was the only one he gave the present to!So although throughout the whole week I felt like shit,he brightened up my week & made me be thankful I know someone like him.Heehee I was so happy when I received the present but I didnt show it because i would look very childish. ^^

Apparently its the first day of the 2nd term & I already feel tired. This means I need t o start planning my time & stop using the bloody laptop!!!!

Somehow it seems like slowly everyone's leaving. First a close reliable brotherly figure goes abroad to study, then tomorrow my dad's leaving for China. Won't be seeing often anymore, just once every three months. :/ & then my mom told me my roommates gonna move out soon. Sigh...

Why is everyone going away?

Farewell

2009-03-18T07:31:00.000-07:00

Today was an extremely fulfilling day, woke up early to meet Jephthah,Boyuan,Alson,ChuanWah,Delis,Shaun & GuanWee and headed to East Coast Park! Everyone wanted to cycle whereas I was the only happy loser who skated around, trying to catch up with them bikers as fast as I can. Needless to say, my years of rollerblading experience paid off^^ Heehee! We were cycling & skating around for nearly 4 hours, stopping a few times to rest, and also to play blackjack & Heart Attack. Well I have no idea how to play blackjack so watched them play,sometimes saying out all Chuan Wah's cards just for the fun of it. Sorry Chuan Wah but thats just me being an irritant (smiles sheepishly).For dinner, it was a satisfying Steamboat meal(again),but @ Bugis instead. Haha & the only thing I ate the most was not meat, but that thin glass noodles-_- The "tang hoon" noodles. I mean it tastes really good!With the MaLa soup or whatever you call it.Then we chillax-ed, chatted with one another & finally, made our way home..

Whilst reaching home, someone called me and I realised it was this close friend/"older brother" I know from Church-name's Hyun Seok, & whatever he said really left me speechless. Apparently around mid-february my parents told me he was gonna go to England to study? & Yeah, I knew,He knew I knew, but we didnt really hung out or even go out for one last outing.Sad to say, in church we would just exhange greetings,make small talk & part ways..He never told me when he would be leaving? Until today.He told me he was gonna leave for Malaysia for a holiday w his parents first,then directly fly off to England after that.Gosh, the moment I heard that I couldnt help but start sobbing uncontrollably. Its like, he really was a good brotherly friend of mine,he was well-liked by everybody. What made me cry & regret was the fact that I couldnt go look for him just now because it was too late,he was already gonna leave, & also because I was too at a lost for words I couldnt say much on the phone. I had so much to say! This is one huge regret.I didnt even bade him a proper farewell,& he has already left.I wouldnt be able to see him for perhaps a year..Sigh so theres one thing I have learnt from this, that is to follow your heart, if you have something important to say, say it before its too late. This feeling sucks, everytime I think about it,it makes me cry again. Well all I can do for now is just wish him the best in England, pray that things will be alright for him & keep in touch w him through the internet. Sigh...Im not in the mood for blogging anymore. Shall end here for today, sorry.

Flu-bug

2009-03-17T11:32:00.000-07:00

I am feeling all woozy now.

My head hurts,my eyes hurt,fever's burning,body aches,

my throat hurts,my back aches again,

i've got a blocked nose & its runny at the same time.

Sucks to be me!

Im actually sick on a holiday.

Exasperation

2009-03-17T11:19:00.000-07:00

I have no idea if you're that clueless,

but its getting on my nerves that you're like basically

following what I do/copying me. Its not about how I dress

,nothing to do with appearance, but how you try to

imitate whatever I say,do,my style on certain theoretical things.

I dont want to be too specific but please, after reading

this, I hope you understand its becoming annoying & I wish

you could please kindly stop.it.

Yeah sometimes I may seem like im joking/fooling around,

but frankly, its because its fucking me up hence

I joke/fool around, geddit? To tell you in a nice way.

But because you're too blind/clueless/idk,

i just had to say it.

Perhaps you're doing it unconsciously.

If you are, can you stop and start thinking?

Thanks for reading.

Plaque

2009-03-15T08:36:00.000-07:00

let me get my facts straight.No matter how fucked up or how loser-ish i may seem,in some obvious aspects, such as ACADEMICALLY,i am better than you.Sorry I had to touch a nerve there but i mean,i learn from the best don't i?I have got so many things to say to you,and i'll say it here.Writing things here will be ten times better because then will you be able to see what i had to say,and then after all this shit, you can go for another bitching session,i wouldnt give two fucks anymore.

First, let me admit that yeah,like a fish to a bait,i reacted to your childish acts,bitching around,making up/assuming things & 'trying to get people to side you'.So for once, i'll stoop low to your level & do the exact same thing, only without backstabbing.You know what, for 3 whole years,3 whole fucking years, I treated you as my bestfriend, my confidante, a reliable friend who just had some rebel issues.I always thought it was my responsibility to help you walk the right path, but seeing how you are so headstrong and rebellious, obviously all my nagging were in vain.That's okay, that must have been partly my fault because I cant change/control people.But you know what? Throughout those 3 years, I was always the one who initiated a clarification whenever we quarrelled, i was the one who always apologised although at times you were the one who did wrong.Why?BECAUSE I KNOW IT TAKES TWO HANDS TO CLAP.

Then the birthday issue, was it my wrong you got into trouble?Was it my wrong your Choir teacher already knew about it so your dad found out too?F.Y.I-be fucking glad your choir teacher is showing so much grace to you because if she hadnt,you and your friend would have been in deepshit with the school discipline.Was it my fault that you stayed out of your house for 3 days 2 nights?Was it my fault your father knew where i live?Was it my fault your father was worrying about some daughter like you the whole night,wondering where could she be?Was it my fault I didnt nag you on your birthday?Was it my fault i had to tell your father about your boyfr & all the contact numbers?Is it my fault your boyfr should know way better,yet he is angry at me because your dad knows about him?Was it my fault,when in the end you said you would face the consequences,but because you somehow were so afraid of facing your father's wrath, you had to lie again?Your poor father actually believed you,yknow?And you sided some guy who(no offense), is old enough to think responsibly,but chose to put his wants infront of responsibility.I think the phrase 'love is blind' totally fits here.Seeing how you always gush about how handsome he is,how he looks like edward cullen,practically just gushing about his looks and making use of his money to get things your parents will never get you.Boyfriends arent for you to make use of,okay?And doesnt mean you have a so called 'hot' boyfriend, you become some incredulously big fuck.So i think its time you stop bragging about him already.And dont even think Im jealous or envious of you.I just pity that guy because he isnt even married to you and he has to support your cravings,when he has his mom,himself,his education to support.But I digress.Initially I thought I was guilty, but sorry, for this, you're the one at fault and for ONCE,you should take the blame.Stop pushing it to others.

Oh and to the other friend who was involved, was it my fault you followed suit with her,and you blame me that you had to bribe your cousin with 10 dollars just so she would answer all the phonecalls that day?Why not think logically like how you can,if you hadnt got influenced, you wouldnt even have been in that shitty situation.

Yeah, after that everything started going downhill, i dont blame you for not being able to trust me anymore,but if you were mature enough like how you always try to dress,then perhaps you would have known that I didnt mean any harm to you.What's more,i clearly remember you saying after the EOY'08 that you think your dad somehow knows you are in a relationship.If your dad somehow knows, why were you so shit-scared that i told your dad about it? Why, cos your bf would get into deep shit? Sorry to burst your bubble, thats HIS RESPONSIBLITY,HE SHOULD LEARN FROM HIS MISTAKES.

Valentines day.That was just some small misunderstanding, i dont understand why you had to go around pissing and moaning about me, calling me a fat bitch and scoffing at the idea of me asking your friend if she could lend me her make-up that day.At least I dont wear make-up every time i go out,hiding my haggard face behind a pile of fake-up sometimes even in school.But yeah, i respect your decision for putting on make-up,that's your choice.But was it any of your business, did i even ASK you?What, you were damn offended that day because of me?What about me, I was DAMN OFFENDED BY YOU TOO.Seeing how you assume things alllllllll the fucking time,and expecting me to follow your orders happily when you didnt ask me along ,ASSUMING i would be feeling awkward.Since when did you care about how I would feel so much huh,since when?You didnt even ask my opinion, when in actual fact I wouldnt have minded at all,being there listening to you and her singing chinese songs.Its called courtesy, which I think you lack of.Sorry I was too direct but thats the only way I can say it clearly without missing my point.And what, I was jealous? PFFT,i was just speechless that you have seriously not a bit of courtesy in you.

Yeah, i admit! I bitched about you too,how you think you're all that when (no offense) a lot of people dislike who you are now,and in case you dont know,much more than you think. Again, I know many people dislike me too, well thats their opinion,I cant make everyone like me. But for you, those people ,including me, used to LIKE you.Until you morphed into someone who puts her boyfriend first,well other than that,seriously changing into someone nobody could comprehend.Im not here to make people take sides, theres no point having those reliable friends you have now yknow.Because afterall you bitched about them too, or if you havent, you definitely will, and you'll slowly fall out.

About being academically better,that's a written fact.What, you scoffed at me that day just because I mentioned I did a research on JC and the subjects they offer? I shuold be the one scoffing at you, because no matter how much you research or read on JCs, you can never enrol in one(not even in the lousiest JC in s'pore),judging by how you got such meagre grades for your latest exam.Why, was i being too bitchy? Sorry, but this is how i'll pay back to you, so you can eat this up & try to pull your socks because gosh, im so sorry, you cant even get into the poly course you want to get in!What, Lasalle?SOTA?NAFA?MDIS? you still need some brains to get in, pitiful you.So take this advice for once, stop gallivanting,& start being a proper sec 4 student who is going to take her 'O' levels!Your dad is just too good for you, how he has to pay for expensive tuition when you bring home failures.

After all this, Im still bothered by the fact you like to get a strong grip of people and influence them like fuck till they themselves become people unrecognizable inside. Partly they may be the ones to blame too, because they are the ones who chose to succumb,who chose to walk the same path as you. It is only a matter of time before they start to realise you may be a wild out-going party animal, but deep inside, you're just a liar, someone who lies about every.single.little.thing., you backstab everyone, probably even them!Don't even deny, because I went through that before.Obviously you would say I am in no right position to crap about this, but unlike you, at least I tell them in the end and i apologise.Or if I didnt, Im apologising now. So to the 2 friends who are now 'BFFs' with her, there were times I bitched about you, how i think one of you is really money-faced but having a friend like her, you got all rights because she owes you so much money.If she has paid you back everything, thats a miracle, the only good thing that i noticed in her.& I dont understand why you're treating me coldly at times? Because first of all, there is nothing cold-ish going on between you and me, I dont even have any qualms against you.But you wanna side your friend, so be it.I hope your effort pays well.As for the other friend, honestly I think right now you're just thinking oh im having fun, this is good, but slowly, you'll realise sometimes,experience that can never be erased(okay maybe with laser),isnt worth experiencing now just because you think 'you might die tomorrow'.Thats a foolish motto to live on,because if you really abide by that motto, you might as well have sex with a stranger for the experience!Why not, you might die tomorrow as a virgin!Honestly during sec 3 i thought you like to fake the slang and act like a bimbo? But some people are like that and besides, everyone has gone through that phase before.And right now, you're also in another phase, which you seriously need to get out of soon.Im not saying this because im trying to get you in my side or trying to appear like a friendly person, im saying this because at least I know you are humane enough to think logically,you know what is right and wrong,you still have sense.And afterall, i didnt even have any grudges against you,did i? I just sincerely hope you guys will learn something from this one day.You can hate me all you want, but you cant hate me for some things which you know as a true friend I did right.You can bitch too after reading all this, but you know that what I wrote are all true, that is if you ever even put yourselves in my shoes or tried to clarify with me and understand what is going through my head.

Anyway, to that person in particular, you want to hate me for being so outfront and bitchy, go on. I've already said whatever I need to say and wanted to say.You can continue bitching about me again, I seriously wont care anymore because I know better.Its just a waste I had to spend 3 years having happy memories and knowing it will only always be a memory, nothing more.

However, thank you for teaching me a lesson on who I should trust and who I should depend on as a bestfriend.And thank you for not being my bestfriend anymore, this gives me a chance to find someone better, and learn from my mistake, to actually be glad I survived all this. Honestly I think I learnt a whole lot observing and discovering all the snideful things you did and do. Really, thank you very much :) I hope you read this and prove to everyone you're true to whatever I had mentioned. Thank you for reading all this ( if you really did ) till here. Oh, you can go brag/lie about how you skipped some parts because you thought I crap too much, I know you read everything. Bye

Fucking Scary

2009-03-13T08:25:00.000-07:00

Gosh. I am bloody scared now,after watching that thai horrow movie,"Coming Soon". It is seriously the scariest movie I have ever seen, how gory and shocking it is when the crazy ghost appears & screams. Well, went to watch it with Hyona^^ and Samuel!Haha, it was hilarious how me and hyona were like practically the only ones screaming like freaks throughout the movie( Quite embarrassing also ). Samuel just had to shock me suddenly, making me scream ,breaking the silence. Haha! Seriously today was damn epic.Today i got acquainted with Samuel's long time friend Jesterbunny, she's real chatty & animated, very sociable ^^ Also, met Mervyn for the first time although I kept quiet & didnt say hi because..Well I felt shy and awkward.

Okay,but let me digress. After the movie, we went to Peninsula Plaza to get myself another septum stud because I lost all my ball-bearings.In the end, within 10 minutes i lost one of my stud's ball bearing again. Sigh. So till hyona passes me one of her ball-bearing, I have t wear my stud without the ball-bearings. Hehe^^ Thank you Hyona!!!! Yeah, after getting the stud, headed to Haji Lane on foot, and sheesha-ed while we attempted taking unglam pictures of each other, and camwhore-ing also ^^ Was feeling dizzy at first, but then it gradually became a bad headache.

HOWEVER!today was a really fun day and I'm glad I met up w Hyona! and of course Sammy Buddy :> Thank you guys for making today such an enjoyable day & lets hang out soon!Haha alright, feeling exhausted, gonna go sleep. Meeting peisi @ 7.30am to jog!! x

Vicissitude

2009-03-12T07:39:00.000-07:00

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.-Mark Twain

School is coming to an end for the first term, relieved that it's finally here, but apprehensive that its getting nearer to the big 'O's. It feels like as though January was a few days ago? Fuck, its already mid-march. I really need to improve my chinese tremendously, i have absolutely no idea how because most of the time I converse in english, even during chinese lessons. What's more, Chinese Oral Prelim is next week monday. Stress!

Today Drama Practice was bad at the beginning, considering how Mr Tan suddenly morphed in to my character, shouting angrily & turning red in the face from the shouting. However, that obviously made us cast members 'wake up' & properly act our part. Hence, everything went well at the end, seeing how 2 of my drama teachers teared ^^ Hopefully, our efforts will pay off because currently, im more nervous about performing during the school assembly than acting on 14th april for SYF.I need to really focus!

Right now I am waiting for the clock to strike 12am so that I can wish Hungyih a happy sweet 16th birthday. To think i still have maths homework to do & from what i heard, english summary -_- Okay its 12am!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HUNGYIH! ALTHOUGH YOU WERE NEVER IN ANY OF MY PRIMARY SCHOOL CLASS, SOMEHOW I MANAGED TO GET ACQUAINTED WITH YOU( was it because of sze ron? ) AND YEAH, IM HAPPY TO KNOW SOMEONE LIKE YOU, WORK HARD FOR YOUR 'O' LEVELS, AND HOPE RUGBY WILL BRING YOU SOMEWHERE GREAT IN THE FUTURE!HOPE YOU'RE TOUCHED BABY(inside joke)!

Eradicate

2009-03-11T07:05:00.000-07:00

Often we have no time for our friends, but all the time in the world for our enemies. -Lean Uris

Sometimes its not how long you can last in a cold war, its who is willing to put themselves in the other's shoes and understand,admit and of course, apologise. I feel a heavy weight lifted off my chest now, im feeling much better :>

Ring A Bell?

2009-03-09T08:27:00.000-07:00

It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not. -Andre Gide

I read this in a book once, perhaps two years ago? Back then, i didn't really give a shit but today, somehow it just popped up in my head. Its this girly book called The Clique ( there's a movie for it also!), anyway from what I remember, apparently the bunch of girls were having a sleepover & this question came out ;

"Would you rather have, a)a few 'close' friends who secretly bitches about/hates you, or b) just one friend who doesn't?"

I recall most of them choosing "a" as their answer, but at the end of the novel, the alpha of the clique, Massie Block ( I think ) who didn't answer during the sleepover, tells the girl who asked that, like her, she would choose "b". Sadly, since she's like the leader, she has to hide that fact and go on continuing to be a queen snob.

Here's a question to those who read, what about you? What would you have chosen?

Assurance

2009-03-03T06:58:00.000-08:00

Few friendships would survive if each one knew

what his friend says of him behind his back. -Blaise Pascal

Empathy/Apathy

2009-03-02T03:59:00.000-08:00

Maths paper was manageable, however the last question is causing me to feel all anxious because I have a feeling i could have gotten the right answer but i made a careless mistake. Ugh! Dont need to think about it, will just be glad I have only 4 more papers left.

Right now, im at the part of my life where suddenly there are new paths forming, causing me to get confused & stressed. Then there has been events such as my mother in the hospital for her neck(i dont think its anything serious),my dad having to now go to China to work and I'll only be able to see him once every three months. In a way Im happy, but im also sad because this isnt how a family is like, separated.Also, theres another decision i have to make soon ; jc or poly. sigh, life now seems extremely tough, but i'm holding on, im holding on tight!

Pfft

2009-03-01T08:30:00.000-08:00

It is hilariously amusing, you know that?

Haha, everyone.can.see.through.you. ^^

It's alright, i think this never crossed your mind, so i shall write it out here, clearly written to let you read as many times as you want till that empty-head of yours(and whoever "supports" you,idk for what when there isnt any sides) can get it in, that sadly,

I DONT GIVE A FUCK.

Thank you for bringing such delightful entertainment, I see you're making great effort for all the wrong things. Aw :(

Trepidation

2009-02-28T21:38:00.000-08:00

Mom's in the hospital.

Cordial

2009-02-28T07:23:00.000-08:00

Enjoy while it lasts.

Today was spent studying (which of course, failed),having lunch at Mos Burger w Pei Si & Jia Wei,meeting my buddy Samuel(DEMON HAHAHA)& his woman for the chemistry notes,going all the way to Serangoon Central to meet Melvin Pillay & Ronald Lee to play l4d(left 4 dead).Firstly, big thanks to Dear Pei si for the belated birthday gift (FTW) & that memoirable birthday letter.

Upon reading that birthday letter, it really made me think of the past.How us trio were so blissful, there were more cherished moments than the little qualms/squabbles we three had.However we gradually went our own ways, having our own friends & life.This was when i thought to myself, what really happened? Was it the fact that we had differences, or because we let our difference/misundertandings get to us?

Yeah, you could say im feeling melancholy, but on the other hand, Im glad that things turned out this way in a sense that I learnt a whole lot, be it who my real friends are, & who i have neglected whilst being so caught up with only a few.So right now, im making an effort to connect with my long-time-no-see friends,& at the same time, keeping those whom I can trust, close.

Anyway, I tried sucking helium today with Pei si.It was amusing & it definitely made us break into peals of laughters, another happy memory :> Sadly, i couldnt stay with her for long because I had to go to Harbourfront to meet the dear buddy for the chemistry note(book), then after that, make my way to Serangoon Central to hang with Melvin & Ronald.To think hanging out was going to the lan shop to play left 4 dead(-_-).The moment Melvin was telling me,'oh, l4d means left 4 dead.We're going to the lan shop!We teach you how to play k?',I went on declining profusely, because I hate anything to do with zombies.On the contrary, when I started playing, it was kind of creepy but honestly speaking, i must say it was fun!

Unfortunately, I had to hurry home because the fathership was pissed for not informing him personally that i would not be home for dinner.Ran in the drizzle, & now, @ home, Tv on, Computer on, Music on, Msn on...Distracted to the core. K Gonna study now, sorry for the abrupt ending!

xo.

Paroxysm

2009-02-27T10:00:00.000-08:00

I shall be using blogspot from now.

Be a kind soul & link me up.

Night.