Dedication

In your drowning self-pity you created a monstrosity.
You enveloped your entire-being with cloudy gloom, trying to shield yourself helplessly.
You want arms, arms that wound around you tightly,to share a little warmth, to stay a little while, to hold you and your excruciating unbearable pain.


You just wanted him to love you back because you thought no one else would.
Take off that mask and let your real self show, you'll breathe easier.

Why

Most of the time I come here almost in tears, choked with anger and hurt, suffocated with sorrow and ache.I tell myself things are like this because Im just having a bad time of my life,because thats just how it is supposed to be. But its difficult, its so hard trying to pretend I dont care, because I am so fucking affected by it, how what the fuck I did, could cause me to make enemies within a few days just because of a small tiff. How I end up apologising, trying to reconcile, to clarify and start anew, but I end up being the worst 24 hours of people's life.
Whats so wrong with me?

Die Alone

Know what it's like when you feel you're the cause for everything?
When you suddenly feel its better to go back to the start, or rewind to where it was safest, then maybe you can start over, pretending you never went beyond that path. How everything seemed a little morbid and ominous, being the lone figure standing alone in a vast empty ground, no one to run to. You've got someone, but then again it wouldnt be nice to weigh your confidante down with your own problems, so eventually you feel like you're carrying the weight of the world, and you feel this draining hopeless dreading hollowness inside.
When you try to take the blame, and leave your pride aside all for the name of friendship, yet you dont get what you want, and everything is in vain.Its so disappointing, they never see the sincerity, while at the same time they are probably sharing hurtful and demeaning critics.Why is the world like this? Why are people like this? Why can't we all clarify, compromise, understand and finally be a part and not apart?

Sometimes life is so confusing, and disappointing. Disappointing to know that its unfair.

Fallen

I comfort myself with my own misery and tell myself Im the cause of it.
Stick to me, dont let go.

Poise

Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music - Angela Monet

Dear D,

Are you alright now? Im sorry I made you feel that way, I wasnt talking about anything else, its probably just meaningless acquaintancing, you know that I have eyes for only you right? Dont feel so sad now, I promise you I wont stray and you're the only one I care for,D. Please cheer up, and I hope you do well for tomorrow's last paper alright? I love you, D! Please smile for me, ok? (hugs)

Love,

Christine

Appreciation & Understanding

When I hear you talk, I usually think you're just mumbling all this nonsensical beliefs you so strongly follow. But today, i realise, everyone has their own beliefs, their own mindset, and that maybe we should all be more appreciative, to see things from your perspective.Sometimes your philosophical mind speaks of things that we all find bizarre, something that is unorthodox, and we laugh at you, we discriminate you as a senile old man. This made me think today. How would I have felt if i were you trying to share my passion for being understood, my own beliefs which other people may find perhaps even more weird, share about what makes me keep calm, about the things I try to do, and yet, no one would try to see it from my side and just laugh at me, labelling me as somewhat crazy?
I dont understand why you dont sew eyes for your stuffed toys, i dont understand why you even make them (because i was sleeping while you were explaining),and this makes me curious. What have you gone through in your life, to do all these things and be so confident about it?

When we all die a little inside, we flash the brightest smile to blind out the sadness inside.
When will i stop living with dread and start living with genuine happiness?
What is being happy anyway

Whats in your mind?

you :>

No shoulder to cry on

Today was engulfed with ominous clouds, with gloom in the air.
I waited and waited for your reply, got so disappointed when
my phone vibrated and it wasn't you.


Re-editted.

Its all good :) Just me being paranoid. Silly christine hahaha!
I Seriously need to study productively and properly damnit!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To someone who likes to whack/ciung/sweet chin music/pew

I like how letting the cats out of the bag make me falter for you more.
I know this is so wrong, but it feels so right at the same time,crazy isnt it?
I dont know if this is love, but I do know when I think of you,
my heart cant help but to beat so fast.

This is all so crazy, but everything makes sense when the reason is you.
Although I walk around as though I'm carrying the weight of the world nowadays,
when I think of you, I still smile. It may be a sad smile, but i still smile,
because even if its something I should be crying over, I want to smile for you.
I know I sound like I'm good with words, but this isnt good enough to
describe, to explain just how immensely,how irrevocably I feel for you.

Be strong for me, I'll be strong for you.
I hope this made you smile at least once today, again.

Blame

Its time that fails me the most.

I hate time,time always prevents me from doing things I want to do the most, it is because of time i have to do what is important first and put "me-time" aside.Time makes me feel even more alone then i already am now.It doesnt let me travel to fort canning park to take a long walk, doesnt let me read a book while listening to music by the swimming pool, doesnt let me just lie down on my bed,staring at the ceiling for hours on end. But what i hate most about Time, is that it never waits. It doesnt stop, it goes on like as though its as busy as hell, when everyone else is so much more busy. Whats more, there is "a right time" and "a wrong time" to do things.
On rare occasions, it gives you a short break to recuperate but it still goes on. They say time heals all wounds,thats the only good thing, but time fail at this too because for once it takes such a long time for you be okay. Sometimes it is because of Time you lose your fucking chances. Speaking of chances, they suck too. They like to fuck around with your mind, give you dilemmas, and when you finally make a decision, suddenly they are gone.
Why is it that everything never waits?
Why.

Why must everything be this way

Remembering Sunday - All Time Low

Everyday I used to wake up with a smile on my face,
I used to pick up my phone & see a text from you,
I used to smile even wider after that.
On the way to school, I used to just read your texts all over again,
and i'd smile.It used to be enough to make my day.
Every hour every minute every second, i used to feel so thrilled
because you invaded my mind.
Every weekend I used to be so hyped because i would get to see you,
I used to smile the moment I set my eyes on you,
I used to be in cloud nine when you were next to me.

Now I wake up with the image of you in my head,
I pick up my phone & be disheartened to see nothing from you.
I try to find the most meaningless comfort to be cheerful,
Now I just try to remember the things you used to tell me,
and be satisfied with all these memories.
Now every weekend, is like any other mundane day,
there is no you to look forward to.
Now I make an effort to not breakdown when I think of you,
I cannot make a scene out of myself.
Now all I do is imagine you were here,
or watch your videos over and over again.
Now all I do is listen to sad songs.

Wishes

I am alright. I am all smiles, im sunshine. I dont feel the ominous clouds, i dont feel the thunder.I dont feel the stab whenever i breathe in, i dont go weak in the knees when I think of you,i dont feel lonely again. Because all I'll ever know for now is how to use the biggest ice-cube and numb my whole being, that even if my worst enemy stabs me, i would smile serenely, give her a hug for trying to help me feel, and apologise aimlessly.

I dont feel, but i do know certain things for sure.

First thing first, I know i would never hug my enemy.Honestly I know i would just punch her face or take the same knife she stabbed me, and cut her apart. I know this makes me feel angry suddenly, but i choose to deceive. I dont feel anything at all. I know I will never forget , I know I dont want to forget, I know i dont just feel the stab, I know I feel needles poking,I know i feel my heart relentlessly aching when I breathe.I know all these, but I choose to deceive.I know i wished we were in a better situation, I know I miss you so bad,I know I want to hear your voice again.

Im back in to the days where I just yearned.
And yearned.

Divya the munchkin w retainers HAHAHAHAHA

So apparently i was suppose to be doing my god-damn literature essays(2 of them,only 1 half done),and i started talking to my little munchkin friend about her decision cube.I told her to help me roll the dice to see what i should do & here it is....



divya says:
*its says "sulk"
*ahhahaha
Christine says:
*SHUTUP LA
*I AM ALREADY SULKING
*DO ANOTHER ONE
divya says:
*EAT
Christine says:
*DO ANOTHER ONE
divya says:
*BED
Christine says:
*DO ANOTHER ONE
divya says:
*EAT AGAIN
Christine says:
*FUCK WHERE U GET THE CUBE I WANT
divya says:
*FACE IT LA, YOU'RE A PIG

Divya: IM NOT A PIG YOU BITCH IM GOING TO CHOKESLAM YOU TOMORROW!!!!!BRING THE CUBE IM GOING TO DESTROY IT.
But on the other hand, this cube is kinda cool, its telling me to go to bed,which i should be doing soon :) IF IT WASNT FOR MY DUMBASS ESSAYS _|_ buhbye x.

Wishful thinking

I want to be the one you search for first to share good/bad news.
I want to be the one you embrace when you are in high spirits.
I want to be the one you want to be with 24/7 just to waste away our time.
I want to be the one you keep thinking of endlessly.
I want to be everything to you,that when Im not around,you feel lost.

:D

WHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTT TTTTTTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOOO DDDDDDDDDDDDDDOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH
YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY OMG OMG OMG :D

What was i thinking

Im undergoing all these deranged delusional psychotic motions and thoughts.
Why the fuck did i get myself into something i can never gain anything from

yeah we dont, right?

Why did the tomato blush?
Because the tomato saw the salad dressing!!
HAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA

sigh.

This is when people realise,how sweet memories are,like marshmellows and vanilla icing on cakes, when they finally realise they can only be memories and nothing more.Like how its not right to be something more because there's a limit.And im barred by it.

This is when I cant take it,but i cant say anything either.Because I dont trust anyone.I used to though,in fact i still do trust someone.But I cant depend on you anymore.I cant come to you in my hurt and depressed state,in need of comfort because we cant do this anymore.Maybe sometimes, but not all the time.We cant.I cant.You have your own commitments,i must not lead astray.

I wanna express something,but i am afraid to.Of what,you might ask,of that stab-to-your-heart feeling when the reaction is negative?Of that awkward turtle feeling?Of how everything will suddenly change?Of how even if things were positive, i would be worrying about the future already? Yeah, everything...I know i think too much.

Foolish me. Now what am i left with?
Sigh.

Watch where you're stepping

I must stop myself