Wishes

I am alright. I am all smiles, im sunshine. I dont feel the ominous clouds, i dont feel the thunder.I dont feel the stab whenever i breathe in, i dont go weak in the knees when I think of you,i dont feel lonely again. Because all I'll ever know for now is how to use the biggest ice-cube and numb my whole being, that even if my worst enemy stabs me, i would smile serenely, give her a hug for trying to help me feel, and apologise aimlessly.

I dont feel, but i do know certain things for sure.

First thing first, I know i would never hug my enemy.Honestly I know i would just punch her face or take the same knife she stabbed me, and cut her apart. I know this makes me feel angry suddenly, but i choose to deceive. I dont feel anything at all. I know I will never forget , I know I dont want to forget, I know i dont just feel the stab, I know I feel needles poking,I know i feel my heart relentlessly aching when I breathe.I know all these, but I choose to deceive.I know i wished we were in a better situation, I know I miss you so bad,I know I want to hear your voice again.

Im back in to the days where I just yearned.
And yearned.